18-1

I deliberately avoided posting about the Super Bowl, because I knew if I said anything I would jinx it. For those of you living under a rock, in a cave, or any other place that doesn’t get Fox, the New York Giants defeated the New England Patriots 17-14 in the most epic upset in Super Bowl history.

Yes, it’s the biggest upset ever. In terms of importance, this isn’t Super Bowl III where the Jets beat the Colts and ultimately lead to the unification of the AFL and NFL. What this is is a two touchdown underdog smacking an undefeated team in the mouth, and the undefeated team only managing a light shove in response.

So, here’s my analysis. This is the single biggest choke in football history. It’s epic. This isn’t like the Colts getting beaten by a better team in 04 and 05. Those were heartbreakers, but there was never any doubt we’d be back. The New York Giants went to Arizona, ripped out the Patriots’ heart, and buried it there. This was the end of a dynasty. The best team of the salary cap era, which spent six months annihilating the rest of the NFL, came out flat when it counted the most. Maybe it was age. Maybe it was pressure. Maybe they were distracted. Whatever it was, the Patriots lost. End of story. History will remember 16-0. But it will always point to 18-1.

So, what is next for the Patriots? Ultimately, nothing good. The Patriots rely on free agency moreso than most truly successful teams. Most of the time, it works. The simple truth is that the defense is officially old. Vrabel, Bruschi, Seau, Harrison. All probably considering retirement. Asante Samuel will probably be somewhere else. I can’t see them keeping Ellis Hobbs or Randall Gay either, seeing as both were abused when it counted the most. Maroney is edging toward bust status. And the O-line, which looked impenetrable all season, was porous when it mattered most. Moss and Stallworth are both under one year deals. Will the Pats keep Randy Moss, who disappeared in the playoffs? Or will a team like Washington or Dallas offer him a monster contract?

At this point, the Pats need to turn that #7 overall pick into multiple picks, either in the 1st or 2nd round. It’s odd to say, but they just don’t have the competent backups to rotate in. Their 2007 draft class has 3 members on the active squad. The Colts, by comparison, have all of theirs. Half of the Patriots starters were drafted and played for someone else. Every starting player for the Colts has never played a snap for another team. They need younger linebackers and a better secondary. More importantly, if I’m given the choice between Moss and Samuels, I’m choosing neither. Samuels is good, but he’s a gambler. Rather than knock the ball down, he goes for the INT. He’s a liability. Moss is, ultimately, a distraction. It happens. Let him go somewhere else.

As a Colts fan, I can’t help but smile when I think that the Patriots season has been ended in consecutive tries by a Manning, both of whom won the Super Bowl. Personally, I’m hoping that next year sees Giants-Colts. Peyton Vs. Eli. First time in NFL history opposing starting QBs would be brothers. And based on last night’s game, I’m not sure it couldn’t happen.

How To Survive A Monster Movie

With the release of Cloverfield, I felt obliged to write up a survival guide for monster movies, because it seems like everyone does the really obviously stupid things that no one in their right mind would do. So, if you find yourself being chased by something very large and scary, remember these rules.

1) Forget about everyone else. If you go back for your friend/girlfriend/unrequited love interest/family member, you will probably die. Horribly. Self-preservation is a natural instinct for a reason.

2) Go in the opposite direction of the monster. If there is a giant monster headed south, go north. No good will come of going in it’s general direction.

3) Don’t forget weapons. When facing smaller, freakier monsters, always have a crowbar or pistol or something to whack them with.

4) Don’t get bitten, scratched, etc. Monsters inevitably have something that will kill you in their sweat, saliva, or blood. Avoid it at all costs.

5) Listen to the military. They generally know what they’re doing.

6) Never be an ancillary character. They die quickly and often.  The exception is if JJ Abrams is directing it, in which case everyone is fair game.

7) When someone says “We’re going to have to drop a nuke on this thing.” that’s your cue to get the hell out of Dodge. Don’t argue. Just go “Yup, sounds great to me!” and move on. Don’t wander around in the dark. Creepy things live in the dark, and they usually want to do you harm. Best avoid them.

9) Stay out of subways. Because along with creepy things, you have to contend with rats and bums as well.

10) Check to see who’s directing it. If it’s JJ Abrams, I suggest liberal looting, because you might as well kiss your ass goodbye.

Movie Review: Cloverfield

My tastes in movies tend to vary from action (Gladiator) to comic books (300) to more action (Transformers). So, let me say this. Cloverfield is awesome. Cloverfield is awesome in the same way that the Blair Witch Project was awesome, before it became a punchline, and they made an awful and ill-advised sequel.

Cloverfield is the first movie I’ve ever actually been scared while watching. The camera shaking makes it very hard to watch. But it’s so well done. It’s short (1:20 min), but that only adds to how good it is. At it’s heart, it’s a love story. It’s just a love story with a huge ass freaking monster, and some smaller, even freakier monsters in it. Also, the monster is awesome. It’s completely unlike anything I’ve see, and as a Godzilla fan, I’ve seen everything.

Assuming you don’t get motion sick, go see this movie. It’s totally worth it. Just make sure you have someone’s hand to grab.

My new toy

I freely admit that while I love gadgets, I’ve always been a bit apprehensive when it comes to new and unproven ones. Mostly because, like most people, I have neither the time nor money to invest in them. However, I did get a new toy the other day, for reasons I will shortly explain.

First off, I use Verizon Wireless. Mostly because it’s simply better than everyone else, if slightly more expensive. But hey, I’m willing to pay more for better service (a theme that will become prevalent throughout my posts).

I’ve been thinking about getting a data plan for a while, as most of my friends call me all the time and ask me if I’m in front of my computer, which I admittedly usually am, and then to ask me for something, usually directions. They get pissy when I don’t have answers, or say things like “The fuck am I? Your personal assistant?”, to which they reply, “Yes, now get me directions.”.

I had considered the LG Voyager for a while, being enamored of the iPhone but unwilling to switch services. But the more I thought about it, the more I thought “Well, if the iPhone is a Blackberry for people who don’t need one, and the Voyager is an iPhone for people  who aren’t on AT&T, why not just skip the middle man and get a Blackberry instead?” So, that’s exactly what I did, albeit not intentionally. I went to the Verizon store on Friday and asked a lot of questions, because that’s what I do. I’m talking to this guy, and it turns out that Verizon is discontinuing the blanket New Every Two program, where every two years you get $100 toward a new phone. Being someone that has taken liberal advantage of this program, I asked when they were doing it. His response: sometime in the next few weeks. So, I could wait, and possibly lose a ton of cash, or I could take the plunge and get a new phone then. After careful consideration, I settled on the Blackberry 8130, or Pearl.

Let me say this: I see now why people are addicted to these things. I haven’t opened Thunderbird since Friday. No need to. After some installation problems, I got everything up and running. The Pearl is everything about technology that I love: it has a specific purpose, and it just works. The form factor is great, and it functions very well. Earlier today, I got the chance to actually use it for something useful. I had been scheduled to see Cloverfield with a friend. We were both running late, so I had to look up movie times on the road and call her back. I managed to do so without killing anyone, and we rescheduled. It was easy, and it was awesome, normally because I’d have to stop at home to check my PC.

I fully anticipate lots more of these type of activities in the future. I also fully expect someone to make a killing opening the first Blackberry Rehabilitation Clinic.

Some thoughts about the UConn loss

I freely admit that I only watched about ten minutes of the UConn game yesterday, but it was enough to see that there is a major problem in the Hoosier offense. Namely, when DJ and Gordon have bad nights simultaneously, the rest of the team can’t pick it up. Honestly, I can’t blame them. DJ and Gordon are NBA-ready talents. It’s hard to replace anywhere from 30-50 points. Honestly, I’d rather have these losses now than in March, because this loss, like the Xavier loss, will continue to make the Hoosiers a better squad. For an example: the ‘05 Illinois team. Came within one loss of going undefeated. Made it all the way to the title game. Put up a HUGE effort against Arizona. But when it counted the most, they couldn’t beat UNC.

On the upside, Purdue’s upset of Wisconsin put IU in the #1 spot in the Big Ten.  So, big thanks to the Boilermakers for that one.

IU has a game against Wisconsin up next. Should be a good one.

Through The Fire And The Flames

At this point, I’m probably what you would call a Guitar Hero addict. I play anywhere from one hour to three hours a day. I’ve five starred every song on Easy and Medium. I can beat most of the Hard songs.

Except for one. That would be “Through The Fire And The Flames”, by the British band DragonForce.

When I say I play for hours a day, what I mean is “I practice this song for hours a day, and get excited when my score jumps 10k points.” It haunts my dreams. I have almost destroyed my guitar several times out of frustration in being unable to get higher than three stars.

I can’t imagine my fingers ever being able to move fast enough to do anything with it on a higher level.

This song needs it’s own support group.

Giving the Devil his due

As being widely reported, Patriots wide receiver Randy Moss is being sued by a woman for domestic assault. When first reported, my first thought was “Well, took him long enough.”

Let’s be reasonable for a minute. If Oakland doesn’t stupidly give up Randy Moss for a fourth round pick, the Pats aren’t undefeated, Moss doesn’t have the single season TD record, and neither does Brady. At the same time, it’s a sucker’s bet. At this point, you can put “Randy Moss getting into trouble at the most inopportune time” up there with death and taxes.

The Patriots made a deal with the Devil when they traded for Randy Moss. Eventually, he will do something to distract from the team. Unfortunately for the Pats, it happened at the exact wrong time.

Why console ports almost always fail on the PC

As I’ve stated in the past, I’m an avid Guitar Hero III fan. Unfortunately, I’m saddled with a bootleg copy of the crippled PC version. Now, you’re probably wondering what the difference is. Well, really it’s two things. One: without some light modification, it runs like crap. Two: There’s no downloadable content.

My PC isn’t exactly a slouch. It’s a good machine. I can run Crysis on medium/low. Everything except Supreme Commander runs just fine. Of course, SupCom brings it to it’s knees, but SupCom does that for just about everyone. However, Guitar Hero III, for whatever reason, chokes my machine. The reason is simply this: Aspyr, the company that did the port, did a piss poor job. It is the fundamental reason that console ports very often fail on the PC. For example, Microsoft’s Halo series. Blockbusters on the Xbox and the 360. But total failures on the PC. Guitar Hero: blockbusters on every console, but fails miserably on the PC.

So, what are the distinguishing characteristics of a bad port (Halo, Halo 2, Guitar Hero, Madden)?
1) Overly onerous system requirements. Guitar Hero has higher system requirements than Crysis. Crysis, at it’s max detail level, approaches photorealism. Guitar Hero is gems moving down the screen in (or out of) sync to music.

2) Poor graphics conversion. Halo and Halo 2 looked great on a standard 4:3 TV.  Put them on my 16:10 20.1 LCD, with about four times the resolution, and they look terrible. They were coming out along side Doom 3 and Half-Life 2, which blew them away. When they hit the PC, they hit with the most underwhelming thud in video game history.

3) Crippled features. Madden 08 on the 360 is a completely different game from Madden 08 on the PC. I play All-Pro on the PC. On the 360, I have to play rookie because I don’t know what I’m doing.  Guitar Hero III for the 360 has tons of DLC. Guitar Hero II for the PC has none. Not even the free stuff. The delivery method is there (Steam, which I will cover in a later post), Aspyr is just too lazy to do anything about it. It’s what can take a great game on a console, and make it a stinker in Windows.

So, what makes a great port (Fable: The Lost Chapters, Gears of War)?
1) Great game to start with. A bad game on the console won’t get any better on the PC. You’ve got to start with an A+ title, and keep it there.

2)  More stuff. Be it more weapons, more levels, more storyline, whatever, the PC opens up so many doors to a developer, it practically begs them to take advantage of it. Gears of War added an entirely new chapter, which was actually a lot of fun. Fable added a whole new set of levels, weapoons, armor, etc., which were also fun.

3) Taking full advantage of the PC platform. That means stuff like DLC, open modifications, custom content, and flexible hardware requirements. By leveraging the power of the PC, a developer can make a great console game into a legendary PC one. This is actually something Halo got right: by opening up Halo to modders, they extended its life significantly.

The problem is that developers rarely take the time to do those things right. They take time, money, and expertise, none of which are in heavy supply. The original publishers aren’t keen on the idea either, mostly because they figure that if you want to play it that bad, you’ll buy the console.

Thanks, but no thanks. I’d need a hell of a reason to buy a console.

Wait, the 360 has Rock Band? And Guitar Hero II? And Guitar Hero III with DLC? And Mass Effect? And Halo Wars?

Dammit. Better start saving up.

Why Steve Jobs is a moron.

As I’m sure many of you know, Apple held their annual MacWorld event earlier today and announced their new lineup of products.

Front and center was the new MacBook Air, a laptop that is about as thick as my wallet. This device is probably the clearest example in recent Apple history of why Apple has consistently failed as a computer manufacturer, but succeeds so wildly as a hardware manufacturer.

Let’s be realistic and reasonable for just one second. A Mac is a PC with a different operating system. It has an Intel Core 2 CPU, it has an Nvidia graphics card, it runs the same type of memory and uses the same hard drives. There is absolutely nothing hardware-wise that differentiates a Mac from a PC. However, Apple insists on forcing the people that buy its computers to use OS X.

Apple has, time and again, proven that they are masters of design and interface development. Their consumer-oriented products are blockbusters (iPod, iPhone, etc.). But their computers don’t have a place in a Windows-centric world. When one of your product lines is massively successful, and  the other isn’t, it means that you should probably drop the one that isn’t, or change it so that it is.

However, Apple is almost always ahead of the curve. The iPod and iPhone forced competitors to do new things with their technology. It opened up new industries. And when you look at the new Apple TV Take 2, you see what I’m talking about. HD on demand, no PC required, great interface. It’s perfect for what it is and who it’s aimed at. More importantly, it’s here before anyone else.

So, if I’m Steve Jobs, and I’m looking into the next ten years, here’s what I’m thinking. I’m making Apple a consumer products company. Digital music players, DVRs,  phones, anything that has an interface. I’m making Apple into a brand that you can stamp on anything. However, more importantly I’m giving my customers the opportunity to order their brand new Mac with a copy of Windows Vista preinstalled. Not Boot Camp. Just Vista. Why am I doing this? Because Windows won, and continuing development at OS X just to spite Microsoft is costing me business. I’m tired of fighting a war I can’t win. When you ask companies to choose, they’ll choose Windows, every time. So even if Vista is a memory hog and needs 3d acceleration to work right and 2 gigs of RAM, I’m STILL loading it on every Mac I send out. It just makes more sense for everyone.

However, I am not Steve Jobs. Steve Jobs would never do what I’ve suggested. And that makes Steve Jobs a moron,  because I’m right.

Why the Hi-Def format war is completely irrelevant, and why HD-DVD was doomed.

Much ado was made about the fact that Warner Bros. and their associated subsidiaries switched from HD-DVD to Blu-Ray at CES this year. Pundits hailed it as the death of HD-DVD, as HD-DVD is now down to a handful of studios, and Blu-Ray controls most of Hollywood.

The simple truth is this: no one cares. Yes, there are die hards out there that for whatever reason feel the need to support a video format like it’s a child, but your average consumer is still watching DVDs on a 26″ TV. Now, over the coming few years, you’re going to see the market for HDTVs explode, and more importantly the content for them to explode as well. Five years ago, a 50″ plasma TV would have cost my yearly salary. Today, it’s less than a single paycheck.

The truth of the situation is that by the time this format war goes away, physical formats will have already lost. The future is in digital transmission and reception. In the next five years, you will see people able to stream movies from a source or service of their choosing, in high definition, on demand. This includes new releases. It isn’t a pipe dream; it’s a technological inevitability. The goal of the studios has always been to extract as much money from the consumer as humanly possible. First you see a movie in the theaters. Then you buy the movie on a disc. Then you buy the “special edition” ten years later. Then when there’s a new format, you buy it on that format too.

Now, I feel for HD-DVD. I really do. This was a format that didn’t have a chance in hell of winning. The simple truth is that HD-DVD was part of Toshiba’s business. But it wasn’t ALL of Toshiba’s business. The truth is that Sony decided to throw as much cash as they could at Blu-Ray, buy every studio they could, and champion the market. Bundling the PS3 with a Blu-Ray drive was a colossal mistake, but it put a Blu-Ray player in the homes of people that wouldn’t have bought one otherwise. Microsoft treats HD-DVD the way it treats the Xbox or the Zune: a way to compete with someone and drive innovation. Sony bet the farm, and Toshiba bet a pet goat. Generally speaking, someone that bets the farm is going to win over someone that bets the pet goat.

However, not all is lost. HD-DVD has put up a great fight, and will make Blu-Ray better. But realistically, it’s already doomed.